Getting Sick
Inescapable. Ugly. Unexpected.
Raw. Intense. Disappointing.
Sad. Real. Honest.
I really don’t want to write about this. It brings tears to my eyes and weight to mind. It floods back memories that I’ve chosen to keep hidden. It brings to the surface all the moments I’ve moved past from and tried with all my might to never repeat. I don’t want to write about my moments of sickness. The days of pain and the months of defeat. The shame and self consciousness that intrude for an undetermined amount of days. But I have to write about this. I have to speak into the darkness. Sickness due to a gluten exposure is going to happen with this disease. Many gut wrenching moments will come and debilitate me, but I cannot remain passive. I cannot become bitter. I must plan, prepare, and practice. I have no other choice than to write about this.
I think one of the reasons why getting sick is so hard for me, is because I don’t set myself up for success. When I am in a healthy season feeling strong, the last thing I want to do is think about the possibility of getting sick. I want to rejoice, leap for joy, and let the whole world know about the freedom I have even within this disease. I want to cook, write, bake, and share. I want to host, go out, and do life together with my friends without limitations. But do you know a bad habit of mine? When I am in a healthy spot and I do allow myself to go down the path to think about sickness, I can paint it in such a light that full of lies. I can see sickness as easy, manageable, and short-lived. When I’m in the blossoming and flowing springtime of health, I forget the drought and barrenness of the winter sickness. The weeks in bed, the days without energy, and the nights of tears that cover over all my joy. So, obviously when I do get sick, it comes by utter shock.
Sickness washes over me anew in the hours of disappointment, the confusion of how it happened, and the frustration of poor decisions. The slightest crumb of gluten opens an ugly passageway into a wasteland that’s far removed from the bounty of spring. Insecurities to go out with friends, refusals to host, and avoidances of social gatherings hit like I’ve never had to walk through these situations before. I opt for the nights alone thinking it is the best scenario, but find myself pacing in the living room, obsessively cleaning, and watching a show with tears running down my face. I become so quick to listen to the voice in my head that tells me I should just stay home, sulk in my pain, and shame my differences. I think about how I could have avoided the cake from work that was labeled as gluten-free but had a knife run through my slice that was shared from the regular cake right next to it. How I could have skipped the mysterious spice blend the chef said they used on the grilled chicken. How I should have left my bread alone instead of put it in a shared toaster. And why I chose to use a non-labeled gluten-free toothpaste in a pinch, the cross-contaminated spatula, or the food label assumptions out of convenience and fear of questions. When I am sick, I cannot stop the toxic thoughts.
It feels like I am put on a tightrope and the only thing I’m hoping for is that a big gust of wind does not come and blow me off balance and off the rope. So while I am standing on it, I remain still, quiet, and fearful. Fearful of falling or any sudden moment that would knock me off. I become still with the moments within and around me and quiet with who else I let on the rope or the voices I let inform me on how I can keep going to get to the other side and off the rope. I stay hunched over clinging tightly to the rope with my heart trembling unwilling to take any risk thinking it will pass if I just remain stuck in the middle of the tightrope.
But seriously, come on Justine! Shouldn’t I be saying how the past 8 years I’ve worked hard to allow someone to be on the tightrope with me? How I have invited the voices of others from the other side to help and encourage me to safety? How I know the tightrope is not going to last forever? And how I truly know that once I get to the other side there’s relief and joy that grant unexplainable happiness? Well, I am working on this because becoming paralyzed by fear is not an option. Choosing isolation because it’s easier to control is simply not going to last. Because I have tasted the sweetness of community, the gratitude of friends joining me, and the long stretches of health where I forget I even have a disease, I am gradually working on the low moments. I am learning what it means to be prepared. To be ready, not in fear of my pain but in fear of my passivity. To allow my past to inform my present and equip me to conquering my sickness.
If the most important thing we can do for ourselves is prepare for our sickness, I want to share with you a helpful tool that I use. I once had a friend explain this tool to me like I was packing up my suitcase for an upcoming trip (preferably somewhere warm and by the water). Before you even have the date or place secured for the trip, if you’re anything like me, you already begin to think about what you will bring to wear, what books you will pack, and which bags you will bring for the beach and the night outs. For me, I love to begin preparing and packing for a trip long before I am I on the flight because I know that once I get there, I will be somewhere completely new and foreign without many conveniences that my home brings. Packing makes me feel prepared for every situation I may encounter while being away from my routine and my top drawer that always holds my toothpaste. A vacation is a new place with new things, food, people, and atmospheres. So what do we do? We pack for the unexpected rainy day, the sunburnt day, or the day we need to change our outfit more than once. For the late nights, early mornings, delayed flights, and spontaneous outings. We want to have a suitcase that has a little bit of everything so that we are prepared and not left in need because in those moments we just want to grab and go.
We can think about sickness as a trip away from the normal routine that we must pack for. Before we get on the trip of sickness, we need to have a bag ready so when we arrive we have everything we need to get us through the trip. It’s not a permeant trip, so we only need to pack the essentials knowing we will come back. When we can think clearly, know our options, and trust our freedom, that’s when we need to pack because we will put the best items in our bag. In order to do that, we have to think about the trip when there isn’t even one on our minds. The items that will equip us no matter the sickness so we can just grab and go. So in the moments when we believe the lies that we have nothing, we can look in our suitcase and see a plethora of things readily available to aid us when we feel misplaced and in a completely new situation.
Take a look into my suitcase!
Gluten Digest: When I was first introduced to this supplement, I wondered where it had been earlier in my life! It does not take away the pain, but it does indeed speed up the recovery after an exposure. The way this pill works is by basically sending enzymes into our body to attach to the gluten cells that we are unable to digest from a gluten exposure. By sending enzymes into our body, we are able to digest gluten more efficiently. WE can even use this as a preventative by taking a serving before a meal to send the enzymes into your body to be ready to attack the cells as soon as they enter in our body before they have a chance to attack our lining and eat it away.
Tea: Peppermint tea is the first thing I make after an exposure. It’s soothing, calming nature brings quick relief. Sometimes it’s hard to eat after an exposure because it seems as if you are just fueling the fire by putting more food into our torn stomach, so by drinking peppermint tea before and after every meal it repairs and cools my stomach.
Rest: This one sounds like like a tap-out, but friends, it’s how we can heal more quickly. While we sleep, our body does amazing things. Not only does it quiet our minds, but it works to heal. It’s okay to take a few weeks off from the normal busyness to recoup and listen to what our bodies need.
Soup: We need all the nutrition that we can get because absorbing nutrients is going to be hard for us when we are sick. Soups are often packed full yummy vegetables, healing broths, and vitamins/minerals. They fill us up, while not be too heavy. I make my own soup and always keep a few servings of it frozen in the freezer so it’s always ready for me to eat for multiple meals or snacks throughout the day.
Heating pad: While I lay in bed, my warm, soft heating pad is a bff to my cramps. One of my favorite things to do is to turn on the heating pad, place it under a blanket (are you even allowed to do that?), make some tea while it is warming up, and then come under the warm blanket after it’s all toasty, place the fuzzy heating pad on my tummy, and sip the tea while watching Gilmore girls.
Nail polish: While I am sick, I love trying to get better at things I am bad at. For me, it’s painting my nails. When I have time to sit and rest, it’s fun to relax by doing something pretty and fun.
Journal: I write my fears, sadness, hurt, anxieties, and frustrations. I allow myself to feel and enter into the tears. I realize the pain and take time to work through it so it does not build up inside of me.
Shower: There’s something about steam and warm water running over my body that calms my heart and mind. I love taking deep breaths, lighting a candle, and slowing down. Afterwards, I put on lotion, comfy clothes, and open a new book.
Talk to someone on the phone: This takes the attention off of myself and onto my friend. Maybe I don’t even tell them I am sick with an exposure, but I get to spend time sharing and listening to a friend speak life and love into me. It always gets me out of a funk.
After a gluten-exposure trip, I always revisit my suitcase to reassess how well the items equipped me. I keep the items that were successful and then think about what I could add or switch out that would enhance my trip! In the same way we let other’s know about an upcoming vacation, I’d encourage you to let other’s know about this upcoming trip so that when it comes time to open our suitcases, our friends can support and encourage us while we are away. It’s just a trip. It will only last for a short while and you don’t want to be alone in the desert without your favorite items or favorite people. Live present on the trip and expectant of your return. Remember that celiac disease is not a life full of restraint even in sickness. Maybe you want to add in your suitcase a cookie to have every night along with your hot tea. We got this.
Visit the Shop my Favorites page on my blog for the links of some of the items in my suitcase.
